April 7, 2010 3:55pm Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 3 Comments

Yes I know it’s been a while!   But wait ’til you hear about the fun I’ve been having.  Lets take a look at recently for example….

I have a chinese student staying at my house.  He’s very nice but he is quite needy.  My only issue with him is that he comes home at 9.30 and expects me to start cooking and having a conversation about business.  However, at this time I am usually well embroiled in Supernatural, House, 24 or other and do not , repeat NOT want to start cooking or discusssing the possible entrepreneurial adventures of China mobile.  Apart from that he’s a nice guy.

Anyway, allow me to continue.  Firstly I don’t like Easter.  I don’t know why, maybe my Mother used to beat me at this time or something.  I have asked her but she has said not.  I find it depressing and even though I love chocolate it always gets far too chocolatey for my liking.  On Easter Sunday I embraced the fact that Jesus had died to save me and felt it only fair to be doing some sacrificing of my own.  So, instead of gnawing myself knee deep into chocolate madness I decided to go on a long walk in the woods with my lovely pooches and let them run like the wind.  On returning from this long and inspiring walk I searched for my iphone to wish my beloveds a happy Easter.  But it was nowhere to be found.  My beautiful white 3GS iphone – my total and utter life in a hand held package was gone.  I checked every area of my house  just incase.  Incase what?  Why do we torment ourselves like this?  Why am I looking in the freezer for an i phone?  It’s like we become paranoid about our actions -‘ Is it possible that it fell out of my pocket in the bathroom and flushed it away?’ I ponder as I look down the toilet.  NO, you lost it in the woods.  So back to the woods I go (this totally ruined everybody else’s Easter ‘cos I was going to make almond muffins with yummy icing)  a looking for an iphone with family in tow ringing my number and us standing still and trying to listen for my tippy -tappy tune.  High and low we searched but to no avail.  Utterly depressed and hating Easter fervently I returned home.   Ten minutes later we all went back as I thought I hadn’t looked properly.  What?  Another example of madness!  Of course I  looked properly, what actually happened is that some thieving skank (who hasn’t got a life and no easter eggs and was walking through the woods) has spotted an iphone and thought ”Merry frikkin Christmas to one and all’.  Again I return home despondant and bloody knackered from all that walking.
The next day I try to convince myself that I need to start practising the ways of Buddha.  I am far too materially attached to my phone.  Despite the fact that it is my life and my life is in it, I need to understand the benefits of being without it.  Three days on and I can’t find any.
Now, the very next day my washing machine decided to catch on fire.  Nice. My Chinese friend had already asked for his clean clothes and pointed out (rather mockingly) that I had now had them for 7 days!  Chattle – you have been warned.  So, off to Mothers I go pleading for use of her machine.  Later I return, slightly harrassed and ready to cook some food and my chinese student was in the kitchen.
 “Aha, you back.  How I boily egg?”
“Don’t worry about that” I say “I am about to cook dinner”
“But I want boily egg”  He said
“NO. no, no.    No need I am COOKING DINNER NOW” I say loudly and slowly
“Ah.  You no understand” he say ” I already doing boily egg”
“Where?” I say, looking everywhere for a boiling pot full of water and eggs…

“Here,  here!!” he exclaimed as he lifted the lid off my electric kettle and showed me 3 eggs at the bottom of my kettle.  So help me God, or Buddha or anyone because I can’t take anymore.


Leave a reply

You are joking about the egg in the kettle…right?

No I’m not. Can you believe it…

no bloody way!
hahahahahaha, thats the funniest thing iv heard all year!!

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