I is for “I’m Slightly Alarmed By The Following…”

April 11, 2016 8:00am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

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I thought I’d use I to let you know the things that I find slightly bonkers/worrying and alarming, even.

1:  Crossing the road.   The big orange hand indicates NO.  Even though I could probably get over if I watch the traffic lights, the hand gives me the fear.  I stop looking at the hand and distract myself with the surroundings like, “How flippin’ big is that truck?”  or “Why is there a lipo suction clinic next to a eat-all-you-want-Texan BBQ outlet?”  Do you think they’re scratching each others financial backs here?  I look back to see that the hand has disappeared and the walking man has made an appearance.  There’s no beeping noise to indicate it is time to cross the road, oh no.  How blind people get on over here I really don’t know.   I am now halfway through being counted down and trying to cross a major road with several lanes.  The pressure of the countdown makes me fraught with stress and affects my gait.  Not only that, but impatient drivers who want to turn right despite the lights being on red are trying to kill me.  I feel their impatience and also the fact that I only have 4 seconds to live before I hit the other side.

2: Reality TV.  I hate reality shows at the best of times but this one left me opened mouthed.  I saw something that sounded like a horror movie or thriller was coming up next on the TV.  “Oh good,”  I thought.  “I’ve had my fill of  ‘Have-a-nice-day’s’ and could do with a bit of darkness for balance.”

It wasn’t a thriller at all but a starkers man and woman meeting for the first time to go and eat snakes in the woods.  WTF?  “Naked and Afraid”  it’s called.  And yes, I’m afraid.  Very.

3: Sockets. Your plug sockets make me sad.  This is very bad Feng Shui.  The chi running through American  homes is tinged with melancholy.  Look at them.  They look like sad faces.  Or shocked faces.  These could become the new emoticon for “Oh my gosh!”  or “Are you kidding me?” 

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4: Food Quantity. How much potato salad do you ACTUALLY need?

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5: Grits.  Not only does it sound unappetising but they are.  I tried them yesterday and if it weren’t for the fact I have table manners and I was in public, I would have spat them out.  They taste like rice pudding.  Now I like rice pudding when it’s sweet and has a spoon of jam or golden syrup in it like God intended, but not when you put bacon and cheese in them.  Bleh.

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6: Cheese.  What is this?  It’s an outrage is what it is.  This is not any form of Cheddar whatsoever and again, how much do you need? 

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7: Bread.  Can someone please explain the following picture.  Why do you sell or buy crusts of bread?  Is this for feeding the ducks or something?  Can you not cut up your own crusts with a knife?  I’m thoroughly perplexed at bread bits for sale. Help me understand.

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8: Pasta.  I think your spaghetti is a little too much on the ‘al dente’ side.  Just sayin’.

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9: Gas Stations.  Your Gas-oh-leen  stations, AKA Petrol station where one fuels the car or town house on wheels, is more than meets the eye. Once inside you are lost to many other things like a full on supermarket, a clothes store, several fast food eateries and I suspect maybe a travel agent and doctors surgery. 

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10: Religion.  Jesus is looking for me.  Can I be found?  No.  No I can’t.  Don’t tell him where I am.

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Tell him I’m playing with the Devil.

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24 Comments

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You can’t fool me. That’s not Jesus, it’s Robert Powell.

Haha, Whitby, you are spot on!

I’m with you on all of it! The street countdown is enough to bring on a panic attack, especially after one has downed that tub of potato salad and cheese….I mean really…how quickly do they expect people to waddle across the street after that?!

Already knew you were one of fave people, but have to tell you that the fact that you hate grits too seals it. Yuck! The gas station thing has always grossed me out. Why do I want to eat a meal (of any sort) there?? You crack me up with the Jesus thing. Oh no, not cos I find you ridiculous, cos you react so much like me. Just keep getting your doses of darkness, and you’ll make it just fine. xx

It scares the crap out of me! Where I live, it beeps and gives you ample time to cross a small road. I’m learning fast though, how to scarper across the street and living in the hope that people won’t want to knock me down incase of a lawsuit!

Well if my American girlfriend doesn’t like grits then who am I to argue! 🙂 xx

Does Jesus look so worried because he’s eaten the grits, cheese and now needs the loo big time but can’t get across the road to use the ones at the petrol station? Do they not know how to make portion control or are they all big families??? Will buy you size 18 jeans for your return Keep up the funny blogs xx

They just know how to make life easy for themselves. Instead of having to buy several pots of potato salad for a party outdoors (not in the rain) they buy one. Smart really.

No, I’m keeping it under control although my tastebuds are fighting with me!

1. Crossing the Road: You’re in Houston and people drive across the road, or they run for exercise and the sprint across six lanes is more of a lottery than anything else. Nobody walks. Not even the illegal aliens.

2. Living within striking range of Hollywood, I do know people in the movie business. If you want to go on the show, “Naked and Afraid” and wander around in a swamp in your birthday suit with a total stranger, killing and eating snakes, I might be able to arrange something. It’s not the Kardashians, but it might lead to something like a contestant slot on a cooking reality show.

3. I’m not precisely sure what a grit is, but they are only served in the American South. Deep fried butter is also only served in the South. I don’t know that there is a connection between the two.

4. Food in Gas Stations is designed to give you ‘gas’. I don’t understand the cultural underpinning, but it’s there. It must be mustn’t it?

5. When you get to that Snake Church, you may get to meet Jesus sooner than you’d planned.

Well, this alien is used to walking though I am getting some funny looks.

I’ll give the reality show a miss. I don’t want to end up on a cooking show eating grits and cold tea.

I’ve yet to try fried butter which I really wanted to. I think it will go down a treat with my favourite, heart attack potatoes.

I ate 5 trays of bacon in the gas station. Where else in the world can you do that?

Yeah – good point. Then I’ll be sorry.

That was classic. Much better than the normal ones. I think Brienne from GOT should have made an appearance! *)

Geez, Your in the land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE, not some crumpet & tepid tea fest.
I’m just really tired of the bash Americans thing!

Wow I have to say I think you’ve taken this the complete wrong way. Nothing here was ‘bashing’ Americans at all- and was rather picking out the comical differences between the UK and the US. Do you really think she’d be in the country for the millionth time if she hated the people?

Oh, and by the way, tea and crumpets are bloody fabulous.

Wow, I did not say she hated this country.
“nothing here was “bashing” Americans at all…”
Wow, that is a really neat insight into your personality.

Oh dear. Bickering on my blog? Just what the doctor ordered.

Ok. Brighid. Firstly, let me assure you that the last thing I intend to do is cause offence to you or any other American. I have numerous, very good, American friends and have visited your country many times. I am not “American bashing” at all and am merely noting the differences that I find humorous. I’m not going to apologise for my sardonic, black comedy style because it’s the way that I write and should really be taken tongue in cheek. I am not a malicious or spiteful person like that. You don’t usually visit my blog so I can only assume that you are not used to how I am. I take the mickey out of the French, Germans, Belgians and in particular my very own countrymen from the land of tepid tea and crumpet. The thing that makes Britains’ great is that we are able to take the piss out of ourselves as well as anyone else can. If you’d have read my previous posts I make it quite clear that I love American people and have been treated like a princess with the greatest of hospitality and generosity. Most of my American friends have found my findings in the funny nature they are intended and I hope you can do the same in future. Incidentally, if tea was served tepid there would be anarchy in Britain. We have it boiling hot – keeps our tongues sharp 🙂

Kitty. I agree that tea and crumpet is not to be scoffed at and whilst I don’t like grits (or black pudding for that matter) I am a fan of fried chicken and buttermilk biscuits. There’s good and bad food in each and every land.

I hope we can all appreciate the fun things, the differences and the similarities without making this a battle of the lands that unite us.

I accept your humble apology for the unkind words said in reference to my country and especially grits. It truly saddens me that I have been so so misunderstood…

Brighid,
I have to say, as an American, that I found this post very funny and understood that it was intended as humor. Even after an apology, which wasn’t necessary, you still come back by calling her words unkind. You surely would not have gotten an apology from me.

If you had bothered to scroll down a bit, you would have seen several days worth of posts with her talking about how much she was loving being in America, and how nice we are. You also would have seen her writing style in general, which is what keeps all of us who visit regularly coming back for more by the way. Good job at showing that over-sensitivity and the lack of a funny bone are alive and well in our country.

The beauty of the internet is that we can choose to leave sites if they are not our cup of tea. Choosing to stick around and tear someone down is a really neat insight into your personality. There are so many things in this world to be truly offended by. Tongue in cheek humor…not so much. If you only knew the woman who writes this blog, you would know that she hasn’t a mean spirited bone in her body. The whole point is that I and several others have found your reaction to this post over the top.

Bashing Americans, please! Tea and crumpet fest? Where? My American palate would prefer that to grits any day, just saying. She doesn’t like grits. Neither do I. So what. This is getting lengthy, so I’ll conclude by asking you to please read some of her other posts. If you still do not care for her style, you never have to visit here again, which is perfectly fine…it’s what makes the internet so grand.

Please though, don’t be so quick to offend and assume things. Take that gift of defense of yours and find a real cause to champion. Your fellow Americans do not need saving from this fine woman. Many of us love her.

Tracy,
I do not dislike Jules, and I do read most of her posts, And enjoy them.
I simply expressed an opinion, in a manner that is not uncommon in my family. If it was too dry for you, and you feel it necessary to disparage me because of it, Fine, that is most certainly your prerogative.
It does sadden me that only your view or sense of humor is allowed.

Either you were attempting to humorous, or you are having a really bad day! My dear friend Jules is hilarious! So why not “lighten up” and have a big laugh, on me please…

Teresa, thank you for everything you have done for me so far and as you know, I love everything ’bout this lone star state really. Remember the adoption papers tomorrow and first dibs on the town house 😉 xx

Yeah, don’t mock ‘murica! #VoteTrump #AmericanCanDoNoWrong

Sigh.

Some people really do have a sense of humour failure.

The bloom is off the rose. I knew it was only a matter of time.

We invented electricity. Just sayin’.

Nah. The rose still blooms! Of course you did, you’re sparky like that 😉

Electricity occurs in nature. It wasn’t invented, but discovered.

Interesting that it’s all – only – women doing the arguing. A not unusual condition.
Can’t you people get along?

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