Before I Leave This Quirky Little Island…

August 27, 2017 4:48pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 22 Comments

Rule Britannia

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You a Bonus Amuse Bouche!


I’m just about to go, but before I do, I thought I’d leave you with this:

Yesterday, when out shopping for totally necessary holiday stuff like strawberry lip balm and Euros that are worth about as much as soiled toilet paper, I noticed some bizarre goings on in my town. It made me wonder if I actually should be leaving. I mean, what if when I get to the Mediterranean I get bored? I might miss the nutty life that tips me over the edge here. Who knows? I impulsively went in search of moral guidance by popping into establishments and asking people I know for their wisdomous advice.

Blighty’s Finest


I found a couple of people (who are responsible for my moral guidance when I’m out in this area or otherwise) what they thought.

We have: 

Paul the pond man and intellectual philosopher.

Anniesu, the psychologist and cleverest person I’ve ever met ( she has more qualifications than I’ve had margaritas. Right…)

Andy the framer – an outstanding pillar of the community and an even bigger cynic than me.

And…Matt the most logical creator ever to exist and picker upper of yours truly when she goes off on one.


Turns out that so long as you aren’t a wet fingered pudding stealer you’ll go far in life. You may as well go away and enjoy yourself ( despite being surrounded by sweaty faced chip eaters) because if you don’t you’ll be stressed out by demanding people, plied with free drinks and end up doing the two step in the weirdest places.

Rule Britannia: Full of nutters. Anyway, I have a plane to catch so I’ll leave you with this video evidence.


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You should be doing these for BBC2…before the flower garden show and after the commentary on a-day-in-the-life of a fishmonger in Bangladesh.

Why did you choose the Med over the Notting Hill Carnival for bank holiday? The interviews would have been more colorful.

Or to find less emotion you could have gone to one of the mosques dotted throughout your country wearing your “Queen of Evil Clowns” outfit and could have selected some of the fully clad women to find out why they always say “aloha snackbar.”

Same theme: There’s that muzzie who attacked the police officers at Parliament holding a sword a couple of days ago. Reports are that he said that right before they killed him (not much in the news locally on that – you could make up the difference with incisive reporting). He was howling about a snack bar. Maybe the Mohammedans are tired of the mushy peas in the fish and chips and this is the only way that they can find to express themselves? Or maybe it was the beans-on-toast (a favorite of mine)? It’s difficult to tell with those sorts – they clearly need some art philosophy.

It’s HOT in Southern England, the skies are clear. The English behave in odd ways when that happens. Grist for art philosophy there too. (the Muslims are still dour and the fresh-off-the-boat Africans are still bizarre in the way only they can be)

You’d be a hit on BBC.

I think England suits you, Larry 🙂 Have you been at those mushy peas?

Anyway, the BBC can’t afford me and would want me to behave. That killed it.

Maybe you can do a worldwide research study on which country has the nuttiest people…. funded by the UN of course. Hey, maybe you should begin your study at the UN? 🙂

Anyway, have fun. be safe. watch out for hairy Mediterranean looking types with 5 o’clock shadows at 10 AM, glaring eyes, and funny looking belts or cutlery. Eat bacon! Maybe even bacon strip earrings to ward them off? Awaiting your safe return.

‘Nox, I don’t have to research because for some reason the nuttiest people seem to find me all on their own!

I’m back safe and sound and ready for another holiday 🙂

I think your video shows some good reasons that you SHOULD go.
I have researched for you and found a list of ‘Dos’ and ‘Don’ts’ for your trip. Pay special attention to the toilet paper advice.
Have a lovely time and please don’t forget to bring back the box of baklava .

Now, had I have gone to Greece, Terry, that advice would have been splendid. However, the place I first ended up in wasn’t far from a Greek toilet waste basket…

I hate that baklava stuff. If you can eat that then you can eat English puddings 😉

sweaty faced chip eaters.

I remember that and don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of fish, chips and all of that. But, for some reason, I’m thinking of downtown Swindon and its awesome main drag. Plastic cups, anyone?

You know he’s right.

Are you psychic, LSP? You are not far off my experience. Not.At.All. 🙂

I love fox trotting in the car park!! Have a med time in the Mad!! See what I did there x

I see that, Cakes.

I’m going to start dance lessons in the car park – free for the first 30minutes and £2.00 an hour thereafter. Complying with Council rules and all 😉

Go enjoy yerself, girl.
We’ll compare white bits when you get back 😉

I don’t have white bits. So, what shall we compare instead? 🙂

Gulp… think I’ll have to go and lie down for a bit.

Hahahaha! And breathe….

Paul: was cheekily giving you the finger

Anniesu: is such a beautiful name. can I be named Anniesu?

Andy: this pillar ain’t cracking. when you’re old you don’t give a fuck. this happens when you’re young, too.

Matt: we thank Matt for his service.

my love, have too much fun *)

I missed that naughty trick, my sweet. I shall now go and make Paul buy me all the drinks I want like he promised. That’ll cost him.
No, you can’t be Anniesu because there is only one. You can be Suzieanne.
Andy doesn’t care. He is the biggest cynic I’ve met. I love putting the world to rights with him because it always ends up worse!
Matt is very logical and creative which is quite rare. However, it helps in understanding me which helps.

I did *)

Where are you going? What the hell is going on around here? Geeze. I go off the blog grid for a wee bit and the next thing I know you’re boarding a plane for God knows where. Well, be careful. We’re living in interesting times.

Went to sunny Spain, I did. I mean, it’s been flipping ages since I had a holiday. I’m back already.
I remain intact, you’ll be pleased to know. *Street smarts here* 🙂

The dancers were saying ” Foxtrot Oscar Juliette” to the Med!

Hahahaha! You’re a sharp un, you. Not a bloody bewwwwt in sight, mate. Not flip flop. I’ll double up next time xx

Well, I approve. Mostly for reasons I will only divulge at the Water Street Grille in Yorktown in early October. Mostly because I’m very unlikely to be sober there at that time. Gruntessa will explain why that’s for the best. 😉

If you approve, Grunt, then I’m doing it.

I’m intrigued. Are you saying you have to be drunk to meet up with yours truly? Am I THAT scary? Heh! ….

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