Knock Your Socks Off!

January 10, 2018 12:05am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 26 Comments

Missing Sock

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

So, how’s your New Year going? Are you washed clean of your vices? Is dry January a revelation? Are you a better person than you were a week ago? Yeah…same here.

Read Your Way To A Better You

I got bought a couple of surprise books for Christmas. Proper books with paper pages and everything. I have a Kindle now but these people saw fit to buy me real books. I liked that. I found it interesting to see what my gift givers thought I should be learning. I wonder what made them think, “I must buy that for Jules!” as the title shouted out to them from the bookshelf.

English - Ben Fogle

English – By Ben Fogle – A Story Of Marmite, Queuing And Weather.

I can see why this was purchased for yours truly. Anything with Marmite in works for me. I also hate queuing and rain as mentioned in my bio. I can see that this book is meant to be in my hands. Not so sure about Ben Fogle as he’s a bit of a pretentious fop, but being a polite and proud Englishman and writing about mad English stuff gives him a pass right now. Besides, there’s something in this book about the existence of Marmite historians which I can fascinate you with in the future.

I also received this:

The Life Changing Magic Of...

The Life-Changing Magic Of Not Giving A F**K – By Sarah Knight

I’m pretty sure I should have written this rather than be reading it but, turns out, that a lot of the time we DO give a F…when we shouldn’t. There’s only so many F’s one can give in our F budget and these have to be used wisely. The time and energy freed up by not giving a flying F is worth it.

In this book, the author mentions another book called “The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up,”( that’s right – roll on the back of the wagon of success achieved by another) and how this best selling book changed her life. And, everyone else who has read it hence it being a best seller.Changed it. And her husband’s. How?  By simply sorting out one’s sock drawer.  Who knew?

Forget New Year’s resolutions and just buy this book. Apparently, sorting out your socks is intrinsic to self-realisation and can drastically enhance your future possibilities. I immediately downloaded this book on my friend ‘The Kindle’ because anyone who can become rich by writing about something we all know how to do both irritates and fascinates me. It makes me realise that I simply must write a snarky and realistic self-help book as this stuff is the new medicine.

The Day I Became A Feng Shui-ist

This is a story all on its own because my journey on this road was so out of my comfort zone it’s hilarious. However, once upon a time, I decided to learn the Chinese art of Feng Shui because it had just started to get attention. Since I wrote about interiors for a magazine I thought it would be a nice addition. Plus, I recognised this esoterica had £££ written all over it.

Off I went to Feng Shui school every weekend for a year studying the I Ching, the elements, the compass, the Bagua, the Phoenix and Dragon and harnessing beneficial chi. I pretty much scorned everybody on the course because they were freaky, tree-hugging hippies that ate bean stew and scared me. I made one lifelong friend out of it though who only came to talk to me because I had such a fabulous resting bitch face.

Turns out I was right about this furniture moving phenomenon and at the time (the short time it became insanely popular and died just as quickly) ended up making a lot of money advising rich people, hotel chains and businesses on how to improve their health, wealth and happiness. I even ended up becoming an FS guru for a local rag answering questions like a new age agony aunt. Furthermore, I was asked to run a weekly, evening college course on the subject where great academics would come and listen to me spouting off about the benefits of a blue coloured, north facing office. Having economics lecturers from the local University furiously writing down my wisdomous advice was a sight to behold.

The Ripple Effect Of A Gifted Book

Receiving these surprise books has taken me on a magical short journey to enlightenment.

English peculiarity has always been of interest to people, it still fascinates me and I live here! Ben Fogle’s book has made me realise I should not take this gift for granted.

The book about not giving a F**k  has driven me to be more precious about my time and energy and in turn, led me to another best seller on tidying up. The art of clearing one’s space reminded me of how I became momentarily wealthy making others wealthy through the art of free moving, healthy chi.

See how this all connected? Mystical…

I have ended up at my Eureka moment in just the second week of January and here is my conclusion: People always have and always will buy into arcane and self-help methodology and what with this seemingly increasingly anxiety-ridden world, it would be rude of me not to be of assistance. I have the accidental life coach experience, a modicum of talent, the strength to support my fellow man, the courage to tell it how it is, and the narcissistic self-belief that I am simply the best person around to write the only self-help help book people will ever need.

And all because I got a couple of books for Christmas? Wrong! It’s all because I cleaned my sock drawer.

P.S: Please send me socks as I don’t have many left. Not kidding. If you have my address send them now, if not, inbox me and I will furnish you with my details.

Now is not the time for cold feet.

26 Comments

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There is a mystical dimension of spacetime where all of the socks go, but only one of each. Never both. You will also be able to find plastic combs and pens in this dimension. They are thousands of feet deep on the surface of a planet. The chance of recovering YOUR missing sock even if you could travel to this special place is non-existent. The point here is that you must accept mis-matched socks or you’ll just be frustrated because the universe has set its hand against mankind through socks. It’s not a malevolent universe, but it is an annoying one.

I’m working on a new book set in England. See my blog tomorrow (Wednesday). Yes, I know that it’s Wednesday where you are right now but that’s not my problem, is it?

And hair bobbles, LL, they go to the same place. It really is quite bizarre. I only have neat and tidy pairs of socks now, just not enough. The minute one becomes single I shall throw it in the bin and never have to deal with this frustration again. I have learnt from the sock master of tidying.

Oooh! Can I read some of it yet? Excited!

It’s been Wednesday for hours now. It will be nearly Thursday by the time you get up. But, I can tell you this, Larry – In the future missing socks is STILL a thing. 🙂

I don’t give a f**k about self-help books.

According to Eddie Izzard, every washing pile sacrifices the odd sock to the God of Launderette, who sits at the back of the washing machine, tucking into hosiery with a pair of chopsticks.
Could be true.

But you will give a f**k about mine, won’t you Masher. In mine, I’m going to give away secrets on how to get laid by a Trekky bird! Heh!

I like the idea of this monster and am happy to feed him socks. But if I keep sacrificing to the God of Launderette does this mean my machine won’t break down again?

The older I get the less I give a fuck, is that phenomenon mentioned in the book?

Not hers but I’ll cover it in mine! Having a cool best friend with the same mentality helps that issue! 🙂

I’m a philistine. I’ll never read on a kindle. It’s the darkest part of progress. Civilization (or, if you must, civilisation) on the decline.

Reading about English stuff is pretty much my favorite thing to do. Or, favourite, if you will.

I’ve never read a self-help book. It’s not as if I don’t need help. Quite the opposite. I’m a mess. But I’m afraid if I read one, it’ll send me down a rabbit hole looking for the answer to how to fill my bottomless pit of need. And who has time for that? I haven’t read all of Dickens yet.

I got bought one for Christmas last year. I ignored it and didn’t use it for 6 months and the giver took it off me for being ungrateful. Ha! I took it back, obviously. I prefer real books but the Kindle is great for travelling because you can have as many books as you wish and it’s also good for not losing your page!

Do you know that Dickens originally self-published A Christmas Carol because nobody wanted it?

You can read mine once I’ve finished my second Western. I promise it will be shamelessly realistic and fun.

I think I will get those books on my kindle too. I’ve already read one years ago on clearing clutter and actually followed it through. Since then I’ve collected new things to fill the spaces! I hope your new book can help me.

Jane, I find that it’s easy to motivate yourself in the beginning but very easy to fall back into bad habits. Stop being a nun is my advice! 😉

I promise I will help you. You might be a bit more twisted or psychologically damaged, but you will be better for it.

I still think “Fart yourself thin with Lynne” would be a best seller and definitely a self help book not to mention improving the temperature with global warming. You could Ghostbwrite it for me

Well, you make some good points and it’s a catchy title. However, I can’t imagine there being much content. Maybe a pamphlet. I’m sure you can manage that alone as I don’t know what farting is, I’m afraid. 🙂

My kid has a sock method. When they’re dirty, put them on the floor along with all the other dirty clothes.

The Army should sort that out.

Problem? Solution.

#fengshui

That’s the thing about kids, LSP, they keep it simple. Just like their silly little brains. Bless.

Tell him to stream the show SAS: Who Dares Wins. I’m watching the third season now. I always used to want to have some military training until I watched this and saw how they treated random members of the public who, like me, thought they’d like to have a go at SAS training. HAHAHAHA. It’s brutal. I think this will give your kid an insight on HOW MUCH he has to train before he goes in. Forewarned and forearmed and all that.

#KeepTheChiReal

#1: marmite is like nutella, right?

#2: two words: Melissa Maker. one more month till the baby!

#3: oh my god! I remember I Ching. in fact I Ching was one of my first memories. I’m a toddler swimming on a shaggy rug and I look up across to my daddy’s study to see there on the shelf the book spine jutting out from all the rest in the row: I Ching. it was mystical, I still have no idea what it all means, but apparently it was a groovy mantra in the ‘70s.

Bagua is divinatory, but ba gua means gossip.

i’ve been searching for my Dragon my whole life…

*)

How dare you diss Marmite like that! I’m offended! Marmite is the King of paste!

Aww, bless her. She is an all-round wonder woman. I’ve never been able to be like that. I am chaos.

Your father was wise. I’d like to know what else was on his bookshelf.

Sit on top of a mountain just before the break of dawn and meditate. Your dragon will appear. Allegedly. *)

We tie our old socks into two knots for the dog to play with and chew.

Hey Goatman! Happy New Year to you and yours! I’ve just done that very thing after reading this comment. Excellent idea. I had to use a pair of very fetching boot socks as my old and missing ones have been given to the launderette monster.

I really need some new socks.

I just sent you a big ball of bright orange yarn so you can knit your own socks. I’d hate to learn that you froze to death. 🙂

On the topic of not giving a flock… well, there’s a lot of truth to that. As we get older and more experienced we tend to think that way. Don’t sweat the little shit, and keep moving forward. No point in spending time over moronic endeavors or morons in general.

Life gives us choices to either surround ourselves with anchors or propellers. Anchors hold us back whereas propellors help us be better. Sadly, there are so many anchors to avoid and the “I don’t give a flock” comes in handy. 🙂

Orange? Do you think I’m the new Dalai Lama, Nox? Hehehe. Correct. I am.

I don’t knit, I crochet – it’s far more elegant. I can make toilet dollies and everything.

Wise words indeed. We have a word for the anchors that sounds exactly the same but with a W in front of it. 🙂

I’ve got a drawer full of socks, I’m always thinking I need to sort my sock drawer out but never get round to it, I’ve got socks that I’ve not worn in ages they have sunk to the bottom as I add to same drawer particularly at Christmas or if I go on holiday or birthdays and sometimes just because, shall we have a sock drawer clearing out cakes, perhaps you could take on my cast offs, always bare in mind those socks were once my favourites and now could become yours!! Xxx

I could have bloody nabbed them last night! Redistribution is a very “green” thing to do, cakes, however, I don’t like green socks unless they have the Hulk on them. I’m sure yours are very classy and conservative so I’ll take whatever you don’t want when we get together for a sockathon. NB: Coffee, Tia Maria and our Bev’s homemade cake must be part of the equation 😉

LOL! Every time I sort my sock drawer, the kids unsort it. It’s the price I pay for being a mom. =)

Haha! But it’s a worthy price to pay, Crystal, and you are an exceptional mama. Happy New Year to you and your clan 🙂

Ben F***ING Fogle as he is always now referred to in our house. That is a Griff Rhys Jones quote. Watched a great programme where Griff tried to laid bare his incessant anger and one example was arriving for a chat show to be told he was on after Ben to which he exploded. “BEN F***ING FOGLE” of course Mr Fogle was sat just feet away from him.

Anyway… since then someone says Ben Fogle I have to answer “BEN F***ING FOGLE”. Which no-one but me understands or thinks is funny… hey ho

Hats off to Griff on that one! Ha! I too shall follow suit and respond accordingly now! I will find it funny. Thanks for the visit, Furtheron. Please, come back again and enlighten me.

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