Marvel at This

September 30, 2020 5:25pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 12 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

So, I met my mum at the garden centre. This is a Great British thing to do because in Blighty we all love our gardens and having cake and tea.  Garden centres are the new going out.

There’s not much else to do because the pubs shut at 10 pm now, if you can get in, and there’s no point shopping for a new frock if you’ve got nowhere to go. 

There are queues everywhere, and despite people thinking that the British are fond of forming an orderly line, there are some of us who do not. 

Grievous Bottled Harm 

A few days ago a woman kicked off in the Co-op because it was pointed out to her that she was walking the wrong way around the shop.  

She proper lost it. In Surrey!  People don’t behave like that down there. This is where I was brought up; it’s suburban and refined and not Essex. Clearly people are getting post-traumatic-pandemic disorder.

At first, I found this slightly amusing and could empathise a tad with her rage because it’s very annoying having to walk around following bloody arrows.

All Hail the Ikea method!

No.

However, when she started to smash all the wine bottles on the floor of the shop I lost all sympathy. What an absolute sinful waste of quality merchandise.  The chick is clearly off her rocker. 

Talking of Harpies…

I have come across the most sinister bird on the planet. No, not me, a real bird…

Can you imagine meeting this thing on a jolly jaunt out?

I am ambivalent towards the Harpy Eagle but I think it should replace Big Bird on Sesame Street so kids can develop a bit of character. I should get one as a pet and tie it to my front railings where it can peer menacingly at passers-by from the bushes.

Talking of Greenery…

I have a plant that is trying to escape. No matter how I try and reposition it, the thing wants to get out of its pot.  Is this just a simple case of social distancing or should I be calling this plant Audrey the 3rd?  It is 2020… anything could happen.

And on the subject of sentient plants (and me being at the garden centre with my mum), I happened to notice something remarkable as I was leaving.  

Maybe I am the only person to spot this because plants are trying to tell me something, like it’s time for me to be ready to guard the Galaxy?  

Because people, I found Groot…

 

12 Comments

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Why was I not in the co-op with you, I would have loved that…not so much the bird cakes, I wonder where they go when they die!!

Can you imagine?!

You can’t miss that bird when it slips off the branch – they probably spit roast ’em and sell them at Asda!

Hodor! Um, I mean Groot! Enough with the popular references. Down to the meat of the matter: Juju what are you doing to all the innocent plant life? Have you no pandemic mercy?! Set it free! If it comes back it’s yours. If not, hunt it down and burn it root and branch!

Dean, I think my green fingers are way too powerful and word has spread among plant life everywhere. They will either fear or flock to me. Clearly the pot-bound escapee is of the anxious variety!

it’s like those stupid anti-maskers at Target. except there’s no wine at Target…unless all the wine has been cleared off the shelves…

start a revolution inside Disney World? do you know how BIG Disney World is!!!?

that’s the Monty Python bird!!!

watch out, mah dahlin, when Groot says I Am Groot all the other alien species think he’s saying I Love You but what he’s really saying is I Want To Fuck You…

and now I’m off to meditate. my Calm App broke so let’s see what Patrick Stewart has for us today in his Daily Sonnets By The Pier…

*)

I’ve always found it funny that there’s no wine in your regular shops. Supermarkets, at least. Ours sell wine and spirits. And, as you can see from the video this makes for a calm and collected British individual!

That is DEF the Monty Python bird!

And there was me thinking it meant dad…*)

“No, I am Groot… and so is my wife” – to badly paraphrase a scene from The Life Of Brian.

Is it just coincidence that the ad I had to sit through before watching that video, was for wine?
I think not.
What a delightful lady though.

That plant looks very sorry for itself. You need to try growing something a bit more sturdy, Jules. My garden has a host of hardy perennials that grow all year round. They’re of the genus weedicus maximus. Happy to send you a cutting if you like.

Heh! Shut up, big nose!

She’s a dream, isn’t she? I bet the current Mrs Masher doesn’t behave like that!

Yeah, I’ve got those too. Thankfully my lizard eats them!

Do I need to buy your mother an Emergency Clown Nose, or would that be transferring her too much power?

The two of you could ignore the arrows at the garden store if clown noses were worn.

You could also ignore traffic cameras if you were wearing clown noses. I’m sure the police would agree.

I noticed that you referred to Lucifer as your “dog” (on facebook). I think that’s more than an insult to a wolf. Put him in a travel container, buy him a ticket and he can hang at the White Wolf Mine with me…a place where he will NEVER be referred to as a “dog”. I might dye him white to help him with his winter camo (winter is coming). Or I might just buy him a ghillie suit of some description. Once he has a kill, likely he’d get messy and look like a red wolf, camo or not.

NO! She’s not allowed one. That’s MY toy!

I ignore arrows anyway. I just walk with confidence and it tends to make people shy away from saying anything.

I am so sorry, LL. You are quite right. The problem is, on FB there tends to be a lot of snippy, jealous people that get riled by me calling him a wolf despite his wolf content. I’m training him to react badly to those kinds of people…Rest assured I will not call him a dog again!

There’s an opportunist squirrel that is getting too close to the back door. It’s only a matter of time.

Wow. Harpy Eagles. I’ve heard that flocks of Harpy Eagles circle over places like Surbiton and when they see XR vegans they swoop down screeching and literally carry off their prey to Epping Forest. Maybe that happens in Nottingham too. Be careful in the forest, kids.

Lost it in Surrey sounds like a Blur song!

You heard right, LSP. I suggest importing them to the U.S of A in order to kill off the unicorn population.

Hahahaha! Lost in Surrey! I’d love that track, I just know it!

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