Mozzies, Mouth Play And Motors

January 31, 2018 9:44pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 20 Comments


Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I only went and bloody forgot it was Wednesday! You nearly lucked out there, kiddos’. I don’t have a lot to talk about so I’ll keep it short.


If I Were A Meal I’d Be A Taste The Difference Gourmet Dinner

Mosquito cure

In my extensive research into how to irradicate mosquitoes, it has come to my attention that it’s all my fault. Scientists have found that this hateful little insect takes a liking to those with appealing smells. And remembers them. Hmmm. So, despite covering myself with Jungle formula DEET and other nefarious, life-shortening concoctions, my natural sillage seeps through and sends them into a feeding frenzy. Brilliant. The only other action I can take, (viz. the article) is to run around spinning my arms like a whirling dervish. That should add a new kind of flavour to my quirky street cred.

The problem is, I can’t see or hear the little blighters and have no idea when they are biting me until after the event when I look like a kid’s dot-to-dot book. The one and only time I do hear them is when I turn off the light to go to sleep and their irritating, squeaky buzz alerts me to the fact one or more are in the room. Naturally, when I turn the light on to hunt the little bastard down, it is nowhere to be found. This fun game can go on for hours.

The joy de vivre experienced on my travelling adventures is constantly hampered by me surviving on a medical cocktail of margaritas and Benadryl.

I HATE THEM. If wasn’t so precious about what I put in my mouth I’d eat them.


Talking Of The Mouth….

In a coffee shop t’other day I met an old friend of mine that I’d not seen for a few months because I caught the dreadful lurgy from the great unwashed and couldn’t, nor daren’t, go out for several weeks. We sat chatting about this and that and then she said to me,


“Come again?” I said.


“Are you having a stroke? Is the caffeine a little too much? Maybe you’d like a lemonade?”

“Have you not heard of that word?”

“Nope. It’s not a word.”

“Yes, it is. What’s the longest word you know?” she asked.


“Ha Ha. Seriously, what is it?”

“Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”, I replied.

She wiped the spit off her face and said, “That’s not a word.”

“Yes, it is. That is a town in Wales, which is all you need to know about the Welsh. It stands for ‘St. Mary’s church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the fierce whirlpool of St Tysilio of the red cave.’

“How the hell do you know that?”

“My mother was Joan Crawford’s sister and found great enjoyment in taking me on trips where I would have to learn something and then go home and write an essay on it. I used to really look forward to those sunny weekends when I’d get a chance to go out with the parental front in an “Oh I could wet myself with joy!’ kind of way. My mother made me learn that town name and spell it when we went there on holiday. I’ve never forgotten it and it comes in useful at parties if I want to get rid of someone.


“Well, what does your word mean?”

“Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. It means fear of long words!”

*Crickets. Blank stare. Sigh*

Which bright spark actually thought of that? I don’t know whether to hate them or find them incredibly, cynically genius.


Talking Of Genius…


Bullet keyring

I made that for my friend’s husband when invited to his surprise birthday bash last weekend.

“You’re the only person who has got one of those in this country,” I said. “That’s spent ammo all the way from America and I could have been seriously violated at Heathrow Airport for bringing that back. You better use it!”

Personally, I feel like sending that picture to Audi and saying, “How about that for a bit of ‘Vorsprung Durch Technik’.

Total class.


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That’s even longer than antidisestablishmentarianism. Or a British word: Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious. Well done, Jules. You whipped us all.

However, working on finding still longer words like fliegerabwhercannonen isn’t fair because it’s grammatically fair in German to assemble forty words (or more) together to describe a new thing. I’m worried that you have too much time on your hands and are not applying yourself to your novel…where you may be able to shoe horn something in.

It’s really quite atrocious!

Oh yes, the Germans probably hold the torch on that one. I learnt German at school and it starts off being relatively easy as a language and then when you take it further, it becomes insane.

It’s in my plan of action, I just need to…action. I have two plots outlined if that counts! Yeah, you’re right, as always , LL 🙂

Amusing…and now I have to show you the poem I wrote as a teen (1967) after spending my childhood in reclaimed swampland!

I wonder where mosquitoes go whenever it starts to rain.
I wonder, if one gets real wet…does he dry out again?
I wonder if he thinks beneath a little leaf he’s safe?
I bet get the rain would get him there, he’d find a better place!
I know a lot come in our house & buzz around my head.
They bite, they sting and make me itch…they keep me up in bed.
I wonder where the others go when rain is pouring down?
Though most would rather stay with me…
I wish to Hell they’d drown!!!

Hey, Rick!

That’s absolutely brilliant! You should write more. No wonder you became a famous, awesome musician.

I wish they’d drown too!

Jeez, I’m old enough to remember when we didn’t have mosquitos in this country.
We should have closed our borders, years ago.

Heh! They’ll still eat you on holiday Masher. If you smell nice. Only you can answer that. In the meantime just flail your arms around. 🙂

I am NOT Joan Collins sister you evil child! I would just like to point out that all three girls must have appreciated the story writing as one is a journalist one is a writer and one writes copious reports. Just be glad your former years have given you so much blog material and how educated you are. You need to holiday with someone mossies like more than you it always works for me

Am I grounded again?

Can’t yout set up a calendar alret on Tuesday night that a post is due? What’s going to happen when you forget altogether? How do you expect us to cope?

Can you blame the little flying buggers for taking a nip at you? I can’t. I get it.

I thought you were joking about hippopoetc. but you’re not. I Googled it. Preposterous.

I like to live from moment to moment, M. The power of now kinda thing. As you can see, it works well for me…

If I start planning my life ( I do this every January 1st) I start to feel trapped. And I fail. Again and again. But as if I would EVER let you down!

You charmer 😉

I know, right! What a stupid word. I already have a fear of it! 🙂

we all know Morrissey should have been the Minister of Loneliness.


I absolutely concur, my sweet. *)

I loathe mosquitoes. Citronella helps me and lavender oil. Is there a word for hating mosquitoes I wonder?

Jane, I have tried everything: Marmite, Marmite on toast, Marmite on everything, bathing in Marmite, Citronella, Duck fat, DEET, Avon Simply Silk, Petrol and a full suit of armour.

There is a word for hating mosquitoes but I can’t repeat it on here.

Actually, let me Google it and see….BRB…

Yep. Sure enough, there is a word for a phobia of mozzies – Anopheliphobia.

Your life sounds so exciting Jules, I feel like I’m missing out. “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”? Lord help me. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to say that if someone held me for ransom!

It may sound it, Azra but at times it’s perilous! There’s ALWAYS a pay off!

I can teach you to say it though when you do, people usually stare at you for a minute, fiddle with some small change in their pockets whilst looking for the nearest exit and then politely excuse themselves.

If anyone ever dares hold you to ransom just call for me! 🙂


Hahaha! This is one of the things I love about you, goatman – straightforward, no-nonsense practicality!
However, netting will not go with my cowboy boots! 😉

Jules, there’s something good about Wales, Pier Pressure on a Saturday afternoon in Aber, the golden sands of Borth and the Utah Saints.

Ooh ay oh, I just KNEW that something good was gonna happen, LSP!

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