O is for” Oh Shit, I Forgot My Brolly.”

April 18, 2016 4:48pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments


Well what did I tell you? If you scroll back to my “Big Reveal”  I made it quite clear that strange things would happen like freak weather occurrences when I came into town. When I say something, it happens. It may be prudent to keep this in mind.

2016-04-18 07.45.54

So yesterday it started to rain. Big time. In the evening thunder rolled like a military jet across the sky and lightning travelled sideways. It never stopped. Sleep was futile and I don’t have ear plugs.

I am tired to the point of hysteria and could give Rip Van Winkle a run for his money.

In the middle of the night the thunder was SO loud I feared the house may be ripped from its foundations. Or maybe it was? Perhaps I am the modern version of Dorothy being hurled into an unknown land and need to find the presidential candidate behind the curtain to send me home in a pair of red cowboy boots. Or am I just hallucinating from twenty minutes sleep? Whilst it would be a good idea for me to get on the brick road I can’t because I’M SURROUNDED BY A BAYOU. The road has gone. I now live in a lake. If only I’d bought the bread crusts in the shop I could have fed the ducks.

“Don’t go outside,” said my fairy godmother. “It’s dangerous as the lightning travels sideways and I don’t want you to get struck by lightning.” Because of course, if anyone IS going to be struck by lightning you know it’s going to be me.

The lightning here is crazy. It doesn’t stop. I lay in my bed feeling like I was in some sort of ethereal rave. Light-dark-light-dark-light-dark. I have been strobed to near death.

I thought I’d suddenly become really popular when my phone kept beeping only to find I am receiving a torrent of emergency warnings:




However, being told to stay in makes me want to go out. I can’t help it. I feel like a caged demon. I need emergency equipment sending: Flippers, snorkel and inflatable arm bands. HELP ME.

The worst thing is that after all this hearty, high calorific eating I went out yesterday (pre armageddon) to buy healthy food in an attempt to create a balance. I stupidly decided that I would drink almond milk instead of moo cow milk as it’s better for me. Have you EVER had a cup of tea with almond milk? PASS ME THE ICED TEA – that’s how bad it is.

Forget the weather warning and listen to the Jules warning: Don’t piss me off today because I’m tired, trapped and can’t even have a proper cup of tea. All I have to eat is pineapple chunks and spinach. Tread carefully, my warmth has waned and the dark side has woken with a vengeance.

The heavens are challenging me. I’ve put on my t-shirt. Bring it.


In the meantime, feel free to support me by staying awake FOREVER and watching a snippet of my experience:


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Don’t worry darling they say the devil takes care of his own ! If you get writers block you know how much you love playing I Spy. Big hugs xx

I spy with my TIRED little eye something beginning with R.

Your go….

Ray of sunshine of which you are mine X. Try vodka Tia Maria and almond milk cocktail in large jugs to forget the rain

But I am beamless today, BEAMLESS. But thank you for saying such a nice thing to me x

Sadly, no Tia Maria or vodka in the house. Just pineapple and pretend milk and now some violent, almost air raid warning emitting from the TV like a 4 minute bloody warning. There are two people talking at the same time Either that or I’m seriously over tired. Hold on…there might be something beginning with W that I forgot about, corked and cold in the fridge…

At least you’re not a stranger to the rain.

ALMOND MILK!??? dump it down the drain, but if the Houston sewer system is overwhelmed, it might come right back up. Blending pineapple chunks and spinach in your stomach with almond milk might have the same reaction. Better to have a big juicy steak, bake a potato and make a trifle.

I think I had a Californian relapse. I even joined LA Fitness.

Back to cowgirl – much more fun.


Wellington Boots are called for.

Ha! Absolutely! Billy is right. Thankfully Houston has an incredible medical centre should my cowboy boots let the rain in!

I’m shocked to hear that they sell almond milk in Texas. I didn’t think they’d let it past the state line.

No child brides and no almond milk. Not necessarily in that order.

Me neither!

he will save us all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQFN4PLTVJI

whenever weather scares me and the power goes out, i look to my ipad mini for inspiration, the scores, and life-affirming videos. they wanted to add a Sex Pistols song to this but Johnny Rotten’s exact words by telegram were, “fuck no”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM *)

Oh I’ve caught many a train from Liverpool St, and have never had the pleasure of seeing that! Seen may other wonderful activities, mind. I would have joined in, brilliant! *) Anarchy still rules.

You’ve made the front page of the New York Times. Well…not YOU, per se, but the shit storm you’re in. Congratulations. Everything is bigger in Texas. Even the rains.

Please turn your phone SIDEWAYS when filming. Thank you.

It’s only a matter of time ’till it’s me! Yes, it’s all bigger here. The puddles are huge today! Need my wellies!

It looks like the Gulf of Mexico is taking its revenge by unloading on y’all, Jules! I blame Trump. Please get some nice creamy moo cow milk for your tea. I once heard a posh Englishman call his wife ‘The Moo’. I bet you’ll never hear such ungallant language in Texas!

The Moo! That’s so eccentrically British, I love it. You’d never hear such foul mouthed terms of endearment uttered here. Everyone’s called honey, makes life easier and stops you getting caught out. That’s my theory.

the rains are biblical, mah dahlin, but never fear, i am here with the cagoules!

if all else fails, we still have our savior: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQFN4PLTVJI


Send me the rainwear! I just saw Billy ridin’ past on his gator to the galleria. Think I might hitch a ride! *)

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