Off My Trolley!

December 6, 2018 4:39pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 20 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

A little later than usual…

I don’t know what’s going on but I think karma is toying with me.

I’m experiencing a bout of normality.  It happened right after being forced to buy an old biddy trolley.

I made a trip to the NEC in Birmingham with my friend to visit the BBC Good Food Show. This is an exhibition of gargantuan proportions and it very nearly killed me.  

Tartan Trolley in a hallway

My friend insisted that I purchase one of those trolleys that old women take shopping with them because that’s what hardened, show going professionals do. You need somewhere to stuff your swag. 

I have to admit I was slightly alarmed by this but eventually went to Argos (undercover) and bought a tartan (because it has to be tartan) biddy buggy. 

I aged drastically in one afternoon. 

A Liquid Lunch Be -GINS

It took two train rides to get there.  All carriages were packed with the great unwashed public raring to get their hands on some of the finest drinks and food that Blighty and its European enemies had to offer. It took miles to walk from the train to the exhibition hall; longer than it took me to climb the highest mountain in Vail, Colorado. I was knackered before I even got there.  

Fortuitously, we descended upon the many gin bars that were giving out samples of the latest GINious flavours: mince pie, moonshine, and pomegranate popper, all of which I found rather pretentious but took for medicinal purposes.  

This was followed by sample after sample of food being handed out by the many fodder stations.  There seemed to be rather a lot of cheese going on. Cheese and gin.  Or maybe it was cheese flavoured gin? I don’t remember.

The tight-fisted exhibitors managed to cut their samples into the smallest of pieces.  I even saw a man slice a single sausage into 16 bits before laying it out with a bunch of cocktail sticks.  

“Steady on there, mate. I’m on a diet “ 

I’m very particular about who I share my snacks with and am somewhat fearful of buffet style food and the greedy public that attends such a place dive right on in before it’s all gone. Cocktail sticks totally ignored because time is of the essence as they snatch at the goodies with their grubby little mitts. 

“Do you want a piece?” my friend asked.

“No, I bloody do not. That chatty little swine just put his filthy fingers all over it. Did you see the state of his nails? Gross.”

It comes to something when you have to say that the most generous sample givers were the Scots at the whisky bar.  Who’d have thought?  I had to stop them from giving me any more single malts because I was in danger of running people over with my swag carrying vehicle. 

I arrived back home at 9 pm beaten by public exhaustion to within an inch of my life. 

Possessed by Jinn and Tonic

I woke up the next day mysteriously semi-crippled like an old codger.  I glanced at my tartan trolley suspiciously.  Hmmm….

Christmas tree in a sitting room

No time for sitting down with a nice cup of tea because it was Christmas tree day.  Two of them in my house – east wing and west.  This took all day long and I was so tired that I started to hallucinate a little as I could hear angels singing in the distance. I then realised I’d left the ‘Choir of Kings College, Cambridge’ on a repetitive loop. 

Feeling staggeringly exhausted and aging by the minute, I checked in the mirror for grey hairs and missing teeth in case I’d been possessed by something nasty. My eyes were too tired to see anything which was probably a blessing in disguise.  I took myself off to bed and had a horrible dream about being stuck in a sanitarium with gin flavoured cheese.

The Dawning of A New Chapter

Has happened. Since buying a tartan biddy trolley I have accomplished so many things that one might suggest I have been blessed with the wisdom of the elders. My usual chaos management has been replaced with organised madness.  Trees are up.  All Christmas gifts are bought and wrapped including the creation of organic homemade side gifts.  International parcels have been parcelled and posted. I’ve even made my Christmas dinner butters, fed a homeless man and attended social festive events with the charm and grace of a royal princess. I feel so mature and normal I nearly considered a tweed skirt,  Barbour jacket, and sensible haircut. 

Curiously, since arriving into adulthood, I have been rewarded with external gratitude. This is a very new experience for me.

The first being a text from my phone provider offering to pay off the final 3 months of my mobile contract so I could have a pre-Christmas upgrade.  Visions of an iPhone XS danced in the remaining part of my childlike head. 

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch. Just rewarding you for your loyalty.”

Well, bloody hell! 

Nice.  Not gonna argue.  The very next day my beautiful gadget arrived.

iPhone XS on table

The most fun thing about this phone, which is not really a phone but a state of the art masterpiece, is that I can turn myself into a talking emoji.  I’ve already had so much fun responding to texts to friends with my digital talking head that I’m becoming a horrible nuisance. 

Oh how rapidly one reverts to type!

And then, another nice message arrived on my new gadget from the bank.  Yes, you read that right, 

“A Nice Message From The Bank” 

It said:

“Please go and collect your free bottle of Prosecco Rivamonte NV DOC from the wine merchants for being such an adorable customer.” 

To be honest, at this point, I thought I’d been hacked.  I took to my trusty car with my ready to fight attitude and grown-upness and sped off to the winery.  True to word my FREE bottle of fizz was waiting.  Oh, and a tenner off any further £30 spend – yeah,  that’s where they got me.  Weakness located. 

I arrived home with an assortment of lovely, top class fine wines (one free) at a marvelous discounted price and that’s when I went right off my tartan trolley, lost my sensibility and put my bewwwts back on!  

Phew…that was a close call.




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When you go out for messages, hauling your trolly from store to store, make sure to wear a very long coat and put one of those scarves around your hair (or a bandana if you must). I don’t think that Boot Juju is necessarily in fashion for a babushka… There’s nothing that says you can’t stuff your secret agent flask and other gear into the pockets of the long house coat. Nothing at all. And it sort of goes with the new i-phone.

Excellent cover for your next operation.

Hahahaha! I love it! I also have two very long coats.

I see this as my next challenge, LL 🙂

Very funny.

I’ve known you’ve been off your trolly for the longest time. 🙂

Ha! Howdy, Nox!
Well that’s cos you’re clever, innit! ;P

And so are you! (best people are bonkers)

* Top Gun + Cocktail = Top Gin. i’m on a Tom Cruise kick cos Scientology will be forever-fascinating to me.

* dinner butter: that means something different to us cabana boys

* I have tweed pants but only for golfing. the Regular Haircut was modeled after Roman soldiers. I wore a barber jacket for one day, just long enough to drink that blue comb fluid and spin around the red-white-and-blue barber pole like a stripper

* that homeless man you helped feed was Santa testing you……actually it was the Trivago Guy in a Santa suit, this is the busiest time of year for him…

* the frightening future we all feared is already here: we’ll never talk to real people again, only emoji heads!

* Kevin Kombucha: That Stuff Lasts Forever!!!

Merry Christmas, mah dahlin *) ……the Doctor Who Christmas Special is on Jan 1, 2019…for some reason…

Top Gin with a 2-4-1 offer on Iceman!

Do NOT put me off my Christmas butter! I don’t think I’ll ever have a Tweed skirt but I do possess a Harris Tweed Jacket because it’s so very British and posh. I never have my hair cut in it though, but then I never really have a haircut anymore and am turning into Rapunzel. Soon I will no longer need a jacket and will be able to ride my fake horse naked like Lady Godiva.
I knew it was the Trivago guy! That’s why I bought him a pizza because there’s no such thing as a bad pizza, right?
Talking emojis are fantastic. There’s even one for Kevin. I am possessed by this forward thinking technology. I will never have a bad hair day again.

Merry Christmas, my sweet! *)

That’s a lovely trolley to be off of.
Very sturdy looking. Last you years, that will.
And it looks like it could hold a formidable amount of cheese.

A new phone too! Aren’t GG wonderful?
Apart from today, of course!

M, I think you should get one for the current Mrs Masher! No more bags for life, no more carrier bags slicing into your fingers, and, she can even make you pull it and look a pillock!

I was not affected by this business, remarkably! I told ya, I’m blessed!

Congrats on your new position in DLC Intel. See RHSM (Regimental Horse Sergeant Major) LL (RAGNAR) for joining orders and I’ll ensure a warm welcome at the Mess. Pound the mahogany and all of that.
Speaking of which, I must say you’re pretty brave to risk the finger food in Birmingham. Does the attractively tartan Biddy Buggy do double disguised duty as a portable decontamination unit? Can’t be too careful, I suppose.
Well, I’ll leave the spycraft to you and “Horse” Ragnar!

LSP – I have been working undercover as an operative for many years, this is just a promotion. Where do you think the trolley came from, eh?!
“Pounding the mahogany!” One needs to be careful throwing such a sensitive sentence around!

Never eat buffet with the Brummies. I’d be hard pushed to even partake in Chelsea. 🙂 #KeepYourFingersToYourself

Love Chelsea, obviously.

I do too.

Brilliant and hilarious – your a complete and official Goddess of the pen 😘✨

JLO! You know you love me XOXOXO Hahaha!

Next time we meet for coffee I will bring my TART-ON! 🙂

How many budgies could a biddy buggy smuggle, if a biddy buggy could smuggle budgies ?
Asking for a friend who is planning an overseas vacay.
Yours Always,

Hahaha! Well, my PPS, I would say enough to last you a lifetime. In fact, you’d (your friend) would never have to come home from vacation AGAIN and still be able to don a fresh sexy pair daily! ;P

Wow !
That would be a marked improvement over my ( my friend’s) current once weekly swap-out !

Fresh pants AND spotted dick this end! ;P

Small sample sizes are no impediment. You just have to eat more of them. Same result.

Is that a pic of your flat? It looks so warm and welcoming! I’m typing from just down the road. Be right there.

I’ve got an Xs as well and you’re right. It’s the best toy I’ve ever owned. How’d I get this far without one?

I agree with that, M, but I’d probably get salmonella from the public. It’s just not worth it.

It is a room in my house. You’re very welcome – please bring cakes, flowers and tequila.

Bloody fantastic. Very impressed with the camera. Anyone can be a photographer these days.

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