Play Me A Corker

March 9, 2016 2:09pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments


Right, I’m bored of truckers now. I’m fickle like that so let me tell you about this instead.

I went to see one of my pals the other week and we decided that it would be good to extend our appreciation of things by going to see or do something different. Step out of the cultural comfort zone or something like that. Anyway, the best thing we could find, and only because it’s funny and conjures up all sorts of images, was this:

Third Stage – Chilled Guitar & Wine Tasting. ‘Listen to jazz style guitar riffs and drink different wines.’

“Well I like that, it’s got wine in it. Sounds odd enough,” I said. “And I can get pissed if I get bored.”

“It sounds ridiculous,” said friend. “It would be a group of weirdo’s in corduroy trousers and god knows what kind of audience would be there.”

“Exactly! It has potential written all over it!” I exclaimed. “And listen to the reasoning behind it.”

‘Top chef – Heston Blumenthal (who is as weird as they come and makes things like broccoli flavoured ice cream) says that music can twist your tastebuds. We would like to invite you to put this to the test by listening to relaxing guitar playing and wine tasting.’

“Love it,” I said. “ If they hand me a nice Rioja Reserva and knock out some Eric Clapton I reckon I could be suitably twisted come 9pm.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be like that, but OK then, lets go,” friend agreed under pressure.

My pal put her fist in her mouth to stop herself laughing as I telephoned the event organisers to book tickets.

“Oh good evening,” I said in my poshest voice. “I’d like to book two tickets, front row with reclining chairs and blankets, only kidding, unless you have reclining chairs and blankets?”

“No. Which event?”

“Third Stage – Chilled Guitar And Wine Tasting, please.”

“Sold out.”

‘WHAT?” Are you kidding me? Can’t you squeeze us in?”

“No. It’s a very select group. Sorry.” They hung up.

“Oooh, it’s a very select group,” I mocked to my friend. “Well that’s pissed me off. I hate it when there’s something I want to do and then I can’t because it makes me want to do it more.” I slammed my phone down on the table. It’s a mobile but I still slammed it down dramatically.

“Well, why don’t we do it ourselves?” friend said, pushing the Lidl food catalogue towards me. “Lets choose eight wines from the lidl catalogue and pick eight guitar tracks from YouTube and hold it here?”

I thought about that for a minute. “Cos yeah, we’d have more wine?”


“And I think we’d be more proficient at analysing the taste bud twisting,” I said. “We can totally mix it up with a Chilean red and a Hungarian tune!”

“Absolutely, I have no doubt we can turn it into a complete head fuck.”

“Which is totally expanding our mental experience which is the whole point! And it would be even MORE exclusive than theirs!” I felt a moral victory on that one.

“Totally exclusive. Already sold out,” she said.

Having mental friends is very important to me as they feed my quirkiness.

We then took to organising said event with great enthusiasm.  I even thought I could maybe turn it into a career for a minute except I’d always have a hangover.  Eight wines were selected from France, Italy, South Africa, Argentina, Australia, Hungary and even England for a laugh. Eight to ten local area guitarists have been sourced and a play list arranged.

Our event is called “Upstaged- Twisted Time Wasting & Wine Tasting” which I think sounds like much more fun and takes place next Monday 14th March at 7pm. After which I shall deliver to you my verdict and list the top three wines and top three tracks that twisted the experience into a revolutionary taste sensation and blew my flipping mind.

Of course, that’s if I live past the evening and don’t stumble into a coma.


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If it works, you can consider hosting a similar event in Houston, TX with some Texas vintages…and country music?

If you think about it, listening to a guy from Oklahoma croon about how his girl left him, he lost his job and his dog died is grist for excess.

I like country music but I can see this going tits up with wine involved. “My dog’s dead, she left me for my best friend, oh please don’t take your love to town and Yes Virginia, there is another woman.” and me saying, OH God, pour me another and another and….oops, this party’s gone horribly wrong and now I’ve started a cult and people are killing themselves. Or something like that. It’s worth a try though. I’d enjoy it.:)

You should consider serving “Deep Fried Butter” to your guests as an homage to people in the American South. I don’t know how it pairs with wine, but I can suggest that if you like triple fried chips, you’d also like that delicacy.

Guests? Surely it’s obvious to everyone that Im completely socially phobic…

They will eat trifle! I will MAKE them. I want to see how Americans cope with layers. Will they dare to delve into the deepest parts of the English sweet or just lick the top of the sprinkled cream? More importantly, can they finish it off with tea chasers? I’m bringing class back with a capital #C mechangetherules.

I’ve always been a fan of the more refined gastronomic experiences…

Although i do prefer my tea with some mascarpone and jelly toast than something too sweet…

Then trifle is definitely for you, Ms Shadowfire. It is the epitome of culinary class. I’ve even convinced the French on this one despite them still holding a grudge since Agincourt and Joan of Arc.

Jelly is jam, right? That sounds better than putting it with peanut butter so I already see you in a refined light. Tea is very good if laced with hard liquor.Takes the edge off. 🙂

And I’d like to purchase a ticket! Bet you have reclining chairs and blankets or at least as nice chaise

A nice chaise. Touch screen…grr. Do I hear a cork popping? Feeling better already.

I think in this instance i might need to be tied very tightly to an upright wooden chair so that I remain focused and don’t lose vertical hold. I’ll take the recliner the day after with 12 paracetamol and a bucket of tea. Curtains shut!

Tracy, you’re welcome anytime but brace yourself, I run with a dodgy crew 😉

Gordon Ramsay: who the bloody hell are you angling in on my turf?!
Heston Blumenthal: it’s me, Gordy, remember? our wives know each other.
Gordon (breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera): that’s one way of putting it.
Heston: try my broccoli-flavored ice cream. we trick the kids into eating their vegetables. it’s actually mint chocolate chip!
Gordon: didn’t you see me on Kimmel? i hate cheap half-rate dinner mints! get out. get out! GET OUT!!!
Heston: but this is my restaurant…


Heston: Get me some bacon and egg ice cream and pass my chemistry set.

Gordon: Get out of my michelin aura with your fifteenth century new fangled concoctions! Risotto is the way.

Heston: The Fat duck!

Gordon: Who you calling a fat duck you wanker!

Heston: Your wife. She’s pissed again on my chocolate wine!

Me: Wanna come to a wine party Mrs. R? You bring the chocolate stuff I’ll let you in.

Now that’s what I call a VIP event, exclusively for connoisseurs of tipsy women, who are a very select group. I’m a bit concerned about the lack of live music, though. Don’t you have anyone who can pick few a banjo strings in mockery of the silly ‘guitar riff’ rabble?

My event is so VIP it’s not even written in The Times. You gotta be in the know. Oh I know enough guitar players alright but they’d come along and start jamming and it would end in utter chaos and me losing control. And that’s not cos of the wine. At least if they irritate me on YouTube I can turn them off!

Such a shame: I’d have loved to come, but I’m washing my hair on Monday.
I could have brought the cheese.
Oh well.

I’m devastated. A nice Pont L’Eveque would have gone beautifully with the Sancerre. Oh well.

Seems like an awfully tenuous link between the musical and mouth-watering tastes. Still, seems like a reasonable excuse for some pseudo-scientific drinking.

Hello new person on the block! Welcome to the playground.

Ultratoast moniker has me intrigued, indeed.

Of course it’s tenuous, it’s just an excuse to drink wildly so you like the music and buy their CD or something! However, my party WILL be real pseudoscience and I WILL deliver real, hardcore honesty in my findings.

If you’re going to indulge in pseudoscience you need to be absolutely hardcore about it. Many a time have I bought the work of The Next Big Thing under the influence and later found my judgment to be so seriously impaired that I discover I have spent a good £5 on what is essentially an unremarkable coaster for the coffee table.

Bonjour, toast master!

Oh, I have hardcore tattooed on my soul. I think a good fiver on a coaster may not be a complete waste of time.
Sell me the coaster, go on, sell it to me!
Tonight is the night where it all goes to the wire. I am currently preparing palate with the finest tap water of England.

Well I hope it wasn’t the Severn Trent variety. Unless you wanted enough chlorine in your system to instigate some sort of genetic mutation when combined with your planned intake of alcohol. Perhaps you’re on your way to see Dr. Charles Xavier right now for a lovely bit of enrolment.

Oh yes. That ‘buggers-you-up-Severn-ways-from-Sunday-Trent-water’ However, note I have survived the ordeal. Chlorine and wine acid has sent me off the ph scale and given me ‘stronger than Iron Man’ abilities. I’m currently sharing my findings telepathically with Dr.X and we shall enlighten you all shortly….

Naming Evening with Friends like Events. What a Neat Concept!!! 🙂

~ shadowfire ~

Ooh look, new people are coming in droves without me even lifting my magic flute!

Hello Shadowfire and welcome! I’ll have you know that I am the architect of the “Neat Concept” ask anyone. 🙂

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