Santa Baby

December 18, 2015 3:42pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 16 Comments



Lets have a Christmas chat about men.

So many of my friends husbands/boyfriends ask me what to get their woman for Christmas.


What is it about an intelligent man that manages to go to work, fix the car, rule the world and be able to put together the best football team ever (were he to be manager) that they are unable to buy a gift for a woman?

If I had a quid for every time I have been asked this I’d be supping cocktails in Bora Bora. In fact, now I think about it I’m going to start charging for my female advice!

“Jules, what can I get her?’

“Well what does she want?”

“I dunno. Whatever I get it’s going to be wrong and then I’m going to have a shit Christmas with an arsey bitch.”

“Hmmm.. well at least you’ll be able to watch telly, drink beer and fall asleep without any hassle.”

“No seriously, help me. I can’t be doing with the atmosphere and she always likes the presents you buy her.”

Now why do you think that is? That’s because I pay attention to my friends all year round. I know what they enjoy doing, what colours they wear, what makes them laugh or cry and if they mention something that they like I make a mental note. Why can guys not do this?

You see men in town picking things up like clothes or lingerie and holding it up like it’s alien and searching around for help but too embarrassed to really ask until they can’t take it anymore…

“Excuse me, could I ask for your help?”

“Do I look like a ‘Victoria’s Secret’ model to you?”


“Correct answer, and since you’re such a smart arse I’ll give you 5 minutes of my time. Whats up?”

“Does this look nice to you?”

“No. Does it to you?”

“Well it’s lacey and silky and…ya know..”

“It’s blue and yellow, are you blind?”

“Well it’s a girly colour. Isn’t it?’

“Does she normally wear that colour? Is she blonde? Brunette? Does she wear this kind of thing? What size is she?”

“Shorter than you..”

“Size, not length.”

“I don’t know…medium-ish.”

“Did you check her size? Did you look in her lingerie drawer? Do you actually look at this woman when she takes her kit off? I mean come on, you all seem to know what the Wonder Bra woman looks like so you must have some clue on nice lingerie, no?”

“It’s not the lingerie us blokes look at…it’s the possibilities..”

“God. Right. Personally I’d choose this. It’s classy, sexy, pure silk and far prettier than that thing. However, if you do buy this she will probably think your hot secretary chose it and that you must be sleeping with her. Probably go for some jewellery.”

However, I think that men have a hard time getting it right. Thing is, of course her friends are going to do the right thing for all the reasons I’ve stated but what YOU, the man of her world buys has to be very different. Because this isn’t just the present it’s about the care and attention to detail behind it. And no she isn’t going to tell you what she wants because you should know. Ah… but you don’t. Yeah, I feel your pain. I’m so glad I’m not a bloke and also glad that when I want something, I buy it myself.

Let me give you some tips:

  • Do NOT buy her anything for the house.
  • It must always be personal.
  • Whilst you can get all the usual obvious things like her favourite perfume, books, and so on you also need to add a….
  • Surprise. This is what she’s looking for. Something you’ve thought about all on your own. Even if this is wrong then at least you can back it up with the other obvious gifts that you know she likes. At least you tried.
  • It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, or even any at all; it’s about the thought. Write her a poem or a letter. Stick a single red rose through it with a label saying “Beauty deserves company.” Think about it.

And if after trying really hard, she still isn’t happy then the problem isn’t Christmas, the problem is your relationship and in that case I would cut your losses and buy her an apartment replete with semi clad, male servants whilst you go and get yourself a hot bit of stuff on the side to rev you back up again. Win.


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beauty deserves company. i like that, much more upbeat than misery loves company.

just say the word and i’ll get into my cabana-boy uniform again…*)

It’s hauntingly beautiful.

Well you shoulda said, my sweet. I forgot about that offer of slavery *)

Yeah, well never mind all that: be a bit more specific.
What can I actually buy her?

Masher…Give me your credit card details and I’ll sort it out. Or you could go for a trip to Great Yarmouth, a ride on the dodgems and a candy floss. British girls are easily pleased that way.

I know she’s easily pleased: that’s how she ended up with me!

I’ve been following your marvelous advice above and have been racking my brains. I can’t make my mind up between two things that I think she’ll love – a socket set from Halfords (the 18pc one, of course) or this really cool Death Star bedside table lamp that I’ve seen. I might just get her both of them… she’s worth it.

Hahaha! Yeah, I’d get both but don’t forget your down payment on that rental round the corner cos…you’re gonna need it. Still, you’ll have a nice bedside table lamp to take with you!

NEVER BUY CLOTHING. That’s much like the question, “Do I look fat in this to you?” It’s a no-win thing/zero sum game. Scent (to remove the stink) is personal and it too is risky. Watch women at fragrance counters endlessly spraying themselves and others. Straight men are out of their depth. Jewels are good if you have enough scratch to go to someplace like Tiffany (the blue box tells them that you care).

But all in all, buying a gift for a woman is like rolling a roulette wheel.

My daughters always preferred for me to buy them guy things like knives, rifles, ammunition and handguns. But that’s more of a dad sort of gift.

The only way to be safe is to mortgage your life and buy an Aston Martin DB10…hope that she doesn’t carp about the color, and pay up the insurance for a year or two.

Larry, I did laugh at this… is one of your other names Rothschild?! Tiffany jewels? Do you have a harem or a queue?

I think your girls have been provided for well. I have my Fathers Swiss Army knife and I still haven’t worked out what all the things on it actually do except that 99 % of them are able to open champagne bottles.

Incidentally, there is no bad Aston Martin colour 😉

I would recommend a miniature of an African fertility goddess, with breasts no larger or perkier than that of the girlfriend or wife.

Thats right, frighten her with a talisman and then bang her up with a load of kids so she feels useful. Very gorilla. 🙂

Any guy who is unable to buy a gift for a woman is 1. not a guy 2. lazy a hell 3. a loser 4. 1-3. All I need is 15 minutes… to buy the gift, I mean. But I’d need 15 months to sup them cocktails in Bora Bora. Also a guy who doesn’t now his woman’s size needs to consult a shrink.

15 minutes..? You deserve at least 15 months supping in Bora Bora for that effort. It has to be at LEAST 15 months because I can think of at least 456 different cocktails..
Anyway, I knew you wouldn’t let the side down. 🙂

15 minutes. I’m not kidding. Now, as for those 456 different cocktails…

Dirty Martini – it’s the way I like ’em. Vodka Martini, – shaken of course.. Gin Martini, Whisky Sour, In-between the Sheets after Sex on the Beach with Lime Rickey…heard of him?…phew he is one Salty Dog! Singapore Sling, Blue Hawaii, Tequila Sunrise, Yes. Screwdriver, Kamikaze, B52, Harvey Wallbanger, Kir Royale, A Goodnight Kiss…oh go on then. A Piece of Ass but only if I get a Tender Touch because that’s when I get an Adrenaline Rush which…Jamaica me crazy. That should cover the first week…

Do you know what we’re afraid of? Disappointment That look on her face that says, “You’ve made a terrible mistake.” That’s what we want to avoid more than anything else. That’s why you need to help us. I appreciate your tips but you make it sound like a lot of work. Is there an easier way?

Well look at me becoming Mans best friend!
Now then, Mark, let me let you into a little secret since I’m feeling all festively giving. “I’m afraid of disappointment” Awww…that nearly made me reach for the sherry bottle for comfort from my wounded heart. Do you know what you did just there? You showed vulnerability. Bringing it down to bare basics – that’s what you have to do. Presents, presents, blah, blah – yeah all chicks want nice things but they’re easy to get. It’s you showing her that you’ve thought about her because you NEED her and you also know what she NEEDS. Wants are another thing. You have to give her a piece of you that you wouldn’t give to someone else. Appeal to her sensitivity, her romantic nature and be her saviour. Go and listen to “She’s always a woman” by Billy Joel. That’s women.

Aside from whatever else you get for Mrs Exile, why don’t you make a one off Bagazine? SEE- EASY! Stamp your beautiful, soulful prose inside and you’ll be on a promise for the next month. You’re welcome. That’ll be £50.00 (sterling – no dollars) a bunch of columbian red roses and a donation to my Vantage fund. Account number 00766601 – sort code – 00-70-07.

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