Lets have a Christmas chat about men.

So many of my friends husbands/boyfriends ask me what to get their woman for Christmas.

Why?

What is it about an intelligent man that manages to go to work, fix the car, rule the world and be able to put together the best football team ever (were he to be manager) that they are unable to buy a gift for a woman?

If I had a quid for every time I have been asked this I’d be supping cocktails in Bora Bora. In fact, now I think about it I’m going to start charging for my female advice!

“Jules, what can I get her?’

“Well what does she want?”

“I dunno. Whatever I get it’s going to be wrong and then I’m going to have a shit Christmas with an arsey bitch.”

“Hmmm.. well at least you’ll be able to watch telly, drink beer and fall asleep without any hassle.”

“No seriously, help me. I can’t be doing with the atmosphere and she always likes the presents you buy her.”

Now why do you think that is? That’s because I pay attention to my friends all year round. I know what they enjoy doing, what colours they wear, what makes them laugh or cry and if they mention something that they like I make a mental note. Why can guys not do this?

You see men in town picking things up like clothes or lingerie and holding it up like it’s alien and searching around for help but too embarrassed to really ask until they can’t take it anymore…

“Excuse me, could I ask for your help?”

“Do I look like a ‘Victoria’s Secret’ model to you?”

“Yes.”

“Correct answer, and since you’re such a smart arse I’ll give you 5 minutes of my time. Whats up?”

“Does this look nice to you?”

“No. Does it to you?”

“Well it’s lacey and silky and…ya know..”

“It’s blue and yellow, are you blind?”

“Well it’s a girly colour. Isn’t it?’

“Does she normally wear that colour? Is she blonde? Brunette? Does she wear this kind of thing? What size is she?”

“Shorter than you..”

“Size, not length.”

“I don’t know…medium-ish.”

“Did you check her size? Did you look in her lingerie drawer? Do you actually look at this woman when she takes her kit off? I mean come on, you all seem to know what the Wonder Bra woman looks like so you must have some clue on nice lingerie, no?”

“It’s not the lingerie us blokes look at…it’s the possibilities..”

“God. Right. Personally I’d choose this. It’s classy, sexy, pure silk and far prettier than that thing. However, if you do buy this she will probably think your hot secretary chose it and that you must be sleeping with her. Probably go for some jewellery.”

However, I think that men have a hard time getting it right. Thing is, of course her friends are going to do the right thing for all the reasons I’ve stated but what YOU, the man of her world buys has to be very different. Because this isn’t just the present it’s about the care and attention to detail behind it. And no she isn’t going to tell you what she wants because you should know. Ah… but you don’t. Yeah, I feel your pain. I’m so glad I’m not a bloke and also glad that when I want something, I buy it myself.

Let me give you some tips:

• Do NOT buy her anything for the house.
• It must always be personal.
• Whilst you can get all the usual obvious things like her favourite perfume, books, and so on you also need to add a….
• Surprise. This is what she’s looking for. Something you’ve thought about all on your own. Even if this is wrong then at least you can back it up with the other obvious gifts that you know she likes. At least you tried.
• It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, or even any at all; it’s about the thought. Write her a poem or a letter. Stick a single red rose through it with a label saying “Beauty deserves company.” Think about it.

And if after trying really hard, she still isn’t happy then the problem isn’t Christmas, the problem is your relationship and in that case I would cut your losses and buy her an apartment replete with semi clad, male servants whilst you go and get yourself a hot bit of stuff on the side to rev you back up again. Win.