Terminator : The Rise Of The Sledgehammer

February 16, 2022 12:17pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 17 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

 

“Hey, do you fancy coming to our gym?”

“I dunno. I think I’ve got enough on not eating, not drinking, not enjoying myself in the slightest, and trying to monkery.”

“It might take your mind off things, to exercise.”

“I walk giant wolfdogs every day. I am cardio exhausted. I’ll have you know that that is like trying to walk two rowing machines.”

“Yeah, but this is weights. It’s fun.”

“Do they have GHD hair straighteners in the changing room like my last gym?”

“No.”

“What about the showers?”

“No showers.”

“Changing rooms?”

“No.”

They’ve gotta be having a laugh, right?

“It’s good. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s a community.”

“What? Like the YMCA?”

“No. of course not. Are you coming to try it or not?”

“How much is it?

“£7.50 a week. Cash only. Pay as you go.”

How could I not be intrigued by this utter madness? Sounded very much like a Mafia fronted ‘stablishment.

“OK. It sounds odd enough to grab my attention. I’ll go and have a gander.”

“Great! Wear something warm. It’s freezing. There’s no heating and if it rains it comes through part of the roof and into buckets.”

“Right…”

“Meet us at the industrial estate at 8.30 AM.”

Honestly, I felt like I was in a dodgy movie. I dressed in many layers. I took my pink and purple yoga mat and a sports bag with a towel, my pink water bottle, my purse and various hair bobbles. I arrived at the industrial site and parked up. I couldn’t see a gym anywhere – maybe I had the wrong place?

Then I saw a car flash its headlights. My people had arrived. I got out of the car to greet them feeling like I should have some hardcore contraband or at least a briefcase full of laundered money in my boot.

“Where is this place?”

“Follow us.”

I wondered for a moment if I’d done anything to upset them and if this was a ploy to “Get Rid Of Me.”

They opened a side fire door and I followed them through a stark corridor, up a few concrete steps, then left down another corridor, through another plain, peeling like a Brit in Magaluf, painted door. 

The “GYM” in all its chunky steel and gritty menace opened up before me.

They weren’t lying. I had actually arrived in an 80’s movie scene. I half expected Rocky to come out and start training. Perhaps even bringing a side of meat with him to ‘hang in the cage’. 

This was the sort of place that Arthur from Peaky Blinders might train at, and there I stood with my poncey pink yoga mat. 

“Well, I look a right tit walking around with this. Thanks for that.” 

“Yeah, but you might change your mind when you go to lie on the floor and do your stretches.”

Spit. Sawdust. Sweat. The dust of a trillion workouts. Maybe even rodents, I don’t know.

“Eww. Yes. Thank God I have it. Maybe I’ll set a trend.”

*Eye-Roll* Followed by ‘maybe we shouldn’t have asked her along’ glances.

Now, this was not the sort of gym with easy-to-use machines. No. This wasn’t a hangout for gym bunnies, prissy babies or snowflakes. If you wanted to change the handle on a machine you had to hunt down a spanner that would be lying somewhere on the floor.  Weights had to be lifted on and off equipment which was like a workout in itself, especially if the hulk had been using said machine before you did. 

Most of the exercise routine was using free weights which are said to have a better overall effect on your core muscle group. However, you’d never know if that’s true because you can’t see them underneath all the layers of clothes you have to wear to keep warm. 

You really do have to have big balls to cope with this place.

This is what Hercules does in his spare time – picks these up and deposits them on a high platform. I can’t even push one.

And then there’s the cage…

Enter at your own risk. This is fight club.  And don’t even think of unwrapping that Wrigley’s or I’ll knock yer teeth out, pal.

This gym was like an edgy adventure and just as I was thinking, I kinda like it here, I saw something that absolutely sealed the deal. A giant tyre – possibly belonging to a tractor with several sledgehammers leaning nearby. 

“What on earth is this for?”

“Pick up a sledgehammer and I’ll show you.”

“Really? I can grab this weapon and train with it?”

“Yep. Lift it above your head and…ready?”

“Yeah…”

“SMACK IT DOWN HARD ON THE TYRE.”

Hello, my new favourite thing to do.

And repeat until all angst is gone and calmness dwells within. Monks need to know about this – it’s way easier and quicker than meditating. I can’t tell you how much I love this exercise and whoever thought of it is a genius. I am now totally sold on this place and have a feeling that the following might happen in the future:

Well, somebody’s got to save the world from Skynet metaverse so it may as well be me. 

 

17 Comments

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Full disclosure, that is my kind of gym. The foo-foo gyms are for people who don’t really want to commit to exercise saying, “look at me.” Hairy guys with a bit of a gut, who wear gold chains cruise foo-foo gyms and ask ladies what their astrological sign is — things like that. Those cruisers never appear at a real gym. I think that you call them punters in the UK.

I’m glad that you found it. You’re going to end up cut/ripped.

I love it, Larry. I’m sold. Plus it’s cheap as chips with no contract. Nice and simple and does what it says.

I will be the new Sarah Connor. Oh yes…

I can just see you with your pink yoga mat but I’m not sure I’d want to argue with you if you’re slinging a sledge hammer. Wonder Woman had better watch out

Well, I still take it as it matches their torn purple machine seat coverings. Besides, it’s a place you can be yourself. And, I myself like to stretch a lot on my own mat. And, like you rightly say, I have a sledgehammer so who is going to say anything?

You’ve discovered true alpha male entertainment: Beating something to its envisioned death with a heavy blunt object.

Haha! Yes! Exactly that, Roger. Boys have way more fun with things.

okay first of all, does anybody ANYBODY know where Edward Furlong is………

GHD: Get Hair Did

you gotta go wearing a pink fluffy headband and purple nylon stockings

Magaluf: also known as Shagaluf

i LOVE your Chuck Taylors!!!

the Metaverse is dead before it even started. turns out it really was made of feta cheese.

i need to go inside a rage room but i’m scared of rage rooms. i’ll only go inside if i’m allowed to chew gum in one.

*)

The Fetaverse. Love that. Gonna steal it.

Last I heard he was trying to make his own terminator and never left the house. He had Krispy Kreme doughnuts delivered daily to his home and got so big he could no longer leave to get out. Rumour has it that the T8 he was making ended up abusing him and kept him locked in the pantry until he was squashed in it like a hamster in an empty toilet roll tube. The T8 evolved and got smarter than men and ended up wearing purple nylon stockings, Chuck Taylors and training at the local gym. He then started up a business in Magaluf where nobody pays attention to anything because they’re all half cut. That’s where his empire grew and became the Fetaverse. *)

This sounds a bit of a “The First Rule Of Gym Club, Is That You Don’t Talk About Gym Club” kind of place.
You’d best not give away its secret location.
Looking forward to your next book: Keeping Fit The Julesy Way – by Jules Schwarzensmith.

That’s exactly how it is. Note that I didn’t name it!

That has bestseller written all over it!

You did well just to get there with the roadworks around your place. Am not surprised you took it out on that poor tractor tyre!

They are horrendous. I’m sure we’ve been having this conversation for years. But now the new estate up the road is going up and the changes to Gedling Road and slip road etc, it just bottles up outside my end. Most annoying.

Good on you for your quest to be fit Julesy!
Please update your progress with pictures. Nudies will show detail better.
If you are a bit shy about posting them for the world to see, you have my email addtrss.

**CAUTION** Don’t get too muscled up. Leave some cushion for the pushin’.

~Your Lovin’ PPS

Well, ya gotta do something, PPS!

Doing the shag seems like a better idea.

Hahaha! There’s absolutely no chance of me getting too muscled up as I don’t stick to anything long enough!

Lovin’ back at ya!

Please save us from the Metaverse. I think my body is too old for that much of a workout.

You leave it to me, BW. I’m on it.

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