Thank You

March 31, 2015 8:44pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

IMG_8378Hello….
I want to thank everyone for their private messages, my blog messages and support through this totally, hideous period I’m going through.

I’m not very good at dealing with death or sadness and when I said I wanted to be left alone, it’s because that is how I prefer to deal with trauma. I’m crap at hugs and all that when I’m scared and sad and I just want to go into my cave, but the well wishes have given me strength and faith in humankind.

I want to talk to people but I’m not very good at it. I really don’t know what to say and I am mindful that it is really difficult for other people.

I’m hurting, of course I am and it is so much worse because it was so violent, tragic and intended. It’s a week past already but it only feels like yesterday to me.

Anyway….I will recover given time and when I do I tend to take life far less seriously. Well, that’s how I feel now – please feel free to kick me up the arse in the future if I forget.

I wasn’t going to continue with my A-Z April challenge because I don’t feel like it, I’m bloody shattered and my theme “The Meaning of Life” has a sting to it now. However, I need a distraction from the everyday dealings of death and this is what I do. Also, I don’t want to let down all the fantastic people who have taken part and rob my readers of some wonderful advice and life stories. I hope you support them.

I apologise for not visiting all your blogs. You know you lot mean the world to me and I know you understand why. I’ll be dropping by, as and when I can.

Kisses to you all and thank you. xx

24 Comments

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I,m saving up my stories for you cakes, got some holiday tales … Hope you are ok which is such a stupid thing to say when you are obviously not…. I’m thinking of you loads love you xxx

I’m looking forward to those stories, Cakes. Love you too xx

thinking of you and sending lots of virtual hugs your way! x

Bless you, Jaya. xx

Much much much love for you, dear Jules…

When the time is right, I will share my story with you… may just offer perspective…

always…

~shoes~

Thank you my dearest Shoes and I look forward to hearing that story. xx

I have read ur blog alot just not commented before but this one touched me deeply. The Blue Grumpster introduced me to ur blog. U are such a beautiful writer and ur photographs are wonderful. And I have always wanted to live in London myself. I loved that u said ur father was a historian. I love history. No one can tell u what u will feel. U will have ur moments. Moments where u just start crying. I just did it a minute ago when I relieved it for one of my detectives whom came to visit me whom I haven’t seen since my friend’s death. Robert was a detective. Jules, I will tell u writing has helped me immensely. The only other thing has been just sitting with a close friend quietly while I grieve all over again. Ur two doves. I believe it was a sign Jules. I asked Robert to please send me a sign. Something to let me know he was alright. And I was trying to text someone and my phone went beserk. I couldn’t type or call out and it was flashing off and on. I had never had issues like that with my phone before. And the next thing I know my phone is texting on it’s own. And this is what it said bbbbbboooooobbbbb. Bob. Which is what he would be called. And he was such a jokester too. This came the next morning after I went to bed that night and said “Please Robert please I’m begging u. Give me some sign that u are ok.” And this is what happened. Like u with ur doves I am going to take that as a sign. His way of saying I’m ok and I’ll see u again. I am so sorry this is so long. I’m a writer not professional. I feel for u though. And this was ur daddy so all the more painful.

Thank you, StormyDawn, that’s a lovely thing to say.

The phone incident sounds bizarre….especially that it spelt out Bob. I hope, hope, hope that they are somewhere nice and at peace. I haven’t got to that part yet as I’m stuck in the angry/gutted stage. This has really sideswiped me.
Thank you for your words and kinship, it means a lot and it really is comforting to discuss it with someone who is experiencing the same grief. xx

Day by day Jules. Last night, I was driving down the road and I have to pass where Robert is buried. And I say to myself my friend there u lay in ur grave. I won’t be able to hear ur voice or ur laughter again. Another one of my detectives/friends has stepped up to take Robert’s place. Robert was whom I spoke to about everything. He told me the other day, “You know I’m your life coach right.” I said, “I know. You are my Robert.” Not that Robert can ever be replaced but God placed another good male friend in my life that will listen and guide me. Ur father is not replaceable. I understand that. But I am hoping that a male will step into ur life in his absence to love and watch over u in your father’s absence. I look into the night sky often especially when the nights are clear and the moon is bright and I say to myself “Robert, I know u are up there. I know I will see u again.” Journal and just let the feelings come. Whatever u feel just let them come. And those that really care for u will be there. And those that don’t well at least u know and u can put them in the past.

Yeah, day by day, hour by hour. I have a different emotion every few minutes. I’ve kept my Dad’s voicemails on my phone. But the only problem is, I’m analysing them in detail to see if I can hear signs of distress. However, I can’t get rid of them because like you say, you’ll never hear that voice again. When you start to think about all the little things that are gone forever it is terribly scary. I nearly went to a bereavement club last night but then I didn’t. I’m ready to do something to help myself but I’m also really not. At the moment I am up to my neck in funeral arrangements and probate and travelling backwards and forwards and dealing with people who are giving me a hard time about the coffin or music I choose when it’s MY Dad and I’m the next of kin. People are making me more stressed out than anything. My cup is full up and every little snipe or issue is really getting to me. I haven’t even had time to see my friends and at the same time I’m not totally ready to do that either. I’m scared this is going to make me go mad and so I’m trying to be normal but it’s all a great big facade. I think I’m learning to develop multi personalities to go into for different scenarios as a coping method. I really hope I can get to that starry filled sky that takes me to a spiritual belief.
I need to journal but I haven’t got the time and it causes me pain that I can’t have pouring out right now. I have to wait until after the funeral which isn’t until May because of autopsy and inquest. I have to be very, very strong until after that so I can face the people and get up and read something I intend to write for him. I cannot break until then.
Not sure about my knight in shining armour. The fairytales lied! 😉
Do you have a blog, StormyD, because I can’t find it if you do and I would visit.
Thanks for sharing with me, it’s very kind and I hope you are coping OK. Feel free to tell me everything you want about Robert – he sounds lovely.

I have a blog. But had to take it down. I watched u from afar. I had a misfortunate beginning and was terribly misread. I will bring it back up but not yet. Robert’s suicide left me wounded. For I loved him so. I have no fairy tale either. The men in my life are very few even though I am surrounded by them. I’m careful. However, after Robert’s suicide unbeknowest to me coworker/friends were watching over me. Seeing if they needed to catch me. For I am a strong woman but this was a traumatic time for even the strongest. I was told later they were watching my Facebook page for signs of distress. Men moved in place to protect me and watch over me. Eight months ago I was moved to another department. A department that loved me. And I think God knew what was coming so he put me in a place where I could count on people. My Chief if my best friend. I am surrounded by men whom actually care. And women whom have let me cry without making me feel bad about it. I have been blessed. In turn, I have been standing behind Robert’s girlfriend. For she and I loved Robert the most. She and I did not know each other but knew of each other. I told her Robert was my best friend at work. Robert was your best friend and lover. No one else loved him the way we did. I was aware of his suicide tendencies. She was not aware. I have been watching over him for 10 years. He and I were in the same department up until 8 months ago when they emergency moved me due to a hostile work situation that had been ongoing for four years. Robert’s stress was 100 times worse than mine. I was asked later on did I feel had I stayed in the department would Robert be alive today because I would catch that far away look in eyes and pull him back. I said no. I could not have saved Robert. God knew he had to save me so he took me out of that office so I would know how to deal with not seeing Robert every day. I had seen Robert every day for the last 12 and 1/2 years. So–

My words of wisdom concerning your father’s funeral. U do what is right for you and your father. You were his little girl. When people question you or try to argue with u, just put ur foot down and say this is what I am doing. He was my father not urs. I know what he loved. Find peace where u can. In the night sky. In the moon. In the wind. I assure u u will find joy again. There still will be tears. And there was nothing u could have done Jules. Nothing so stop blaming urself. We hide what we want to hide. We hide our pain. I know I do mine. And no one would ever know how much I have suffered because I choose not to let them see. I watching ur my friend from over here. And I am praying for u.

Do u Facebook? If so mine is Stormy Dawn Jackson Memphis, TN. And there is a picture of a Schnauzer. Who I am and what I believe is on my Facebook page. My inspirations and what I believe life is about. I should like for u and I to be friends across this big ocean. I know Blue Grumpster and Red Shoes. U will see my comments on their blogs.

Ok – I shall go and find you 🙂 Thanks you Stormy d x

I have confirmed u my friend on Facebook. Let us help one another get through this sad and confusing time in our lives. Although, we are oceans apart. It does not matter. God has brought us together in friendship and I never question “Why?”. I trust him.

We love you Jules.

Awwwwww…. love back to you tenfold. x

No need to apologize, Jules. I love you, dear. You know that.

Beautiful. Love you too, grumps x

Oh, I doubt you’re going to forget and require a kick.

No, maybe not. I’ve definitely changed. But if I do…feel free. 🙂

Blogging can definitely be a great distraction, been there myself. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry for your loss, still.

Writing is the only thing that makes all the blah, blah, fizzy emotion and brain stew at full speed, go away. I’ve always done it as a child. I used to leave long notes on my door when I was upset so people could read them and not come in and touch me. Bonkers..

I was so sorry to read about your loss Jules – glad you are still blogging as writing is good distraction therapy..

Indeed David, nice to see you and thank you x

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